Emotional extremes

I started blogging more than 5½ years ago following diagnosis and treatment for primary CNS lymphoma. At the time it was primarily to ease the burden on Barry, who was barraged with e-mail messages and phone calls that, try as he might, he simply could not handle while trying to take care of me. But the blogging served many other purposes, among them helping me to gain cognitive function and lift my spirits. Recently it has helped me through a second cancer diagnosis and treatment. And now, this week, it has helped me through the recent loss of my mother.

This has been a rather odd shiva week for me. It started strangely because I had not been able to visit my mother in some years, and in particular was unable to travel to Florida for her funeral. Of course, once again I am grateful to modern technology that allowed Simmie and me to sit here in New York and watch the funeral on my iPhone while Barry flew down to Florida and attended the funeral with his.

But what has made this week especially odd is that the seven sad days of shiva, which officially end on Saturday but because of Sabbath effectively end on Friday afternoon, will be followed by an unbelievably happy day as our family will gather in Sharon this Shabbat to celebrate our grandson Joshua becoming a Bar Mitzvah. So while I am saddened by my mother’s passing, I am also bursting with excitement at the upcoming simcha (happy occasion).

All week friends have visited and called as is the traditional Jewish way of comforting mourners. Perhaps some of them found my mood a bit more upbeat than the circumstances would seem to warrant. But having just survived a second cancer diagnosis and rather grueling treatment, I am overwhelmingly grateful to have made it to celebrate with Eliana two months ago and now with Joshua. It is hard to allow my mother’s passing, which, given her prognosis following a recent diagnosis of pancreatic cancer on top of a myriad of other health problems was perhaps a blessing at this point, to completely dampen my spirits.

So for all of you who have seen me over these past few days and may be scratching your heads or wondering if I am not as kind or caring a person as you may have thought I was, I hope you can understand where my heart is this week.

Love,

Rebecca